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Channeling Harry Doyle

Did you miss Joba Chamberlain’s debut as starting pitcher? FullCountPitch has the highlights of the Yankee broadcast that might have escaped the attention of more mainstream media outlets.

Welcome to the Yankees Entertainment and Sports Network’s presentation of the New York Yankees vs. the Toronto Blue Jays. Your announcers are Michael Kay and Al Leiter. It seems like Al hasn’t been in the booth since April.  Ben Affleck and J-Lo had better chemistry in Gigli than Kay and Leiter will have tonight.

In the intro, Kay announces that “The future is now!”, and we are treated to a photo montage of Joba’s youth and rise through the ranks. As a young man he made Chris Britton look svelte.

Signs around the stadium include “Yabba Joba Do”. What happened to clever things like pictures of Jabba the Hut for every strikeout?

My favorite part of the game is when they show the scouting report on the pitcher that contains some “clever” wordplay. The analyst always reads the pun and then explains what it means. The scouts say that Joba has “no repeat customers” and he “plays no favorites”.  I don’t even know what that means. Maybe they should hire the Yabba Joba Do guy to write these.

Here’s my scouting report for Joba:

“Loves the buffet” – Joba can throw an array of pitches for strikes when he’s on. And he keeps going back for more!
“You have to break a few eggs to make an omelet” – Sure the bullpen is a cast of retreads, washed up has beens, and untested rookies, but the Yanks need a starter who can go a sold four innings!
“Tummy’s full” – Of butterflies! And four boxes of Thin Mints.

Top of the 1^st:

Joba gets the leadoff hitter Shannon Stewart to 1-2 and Jose Molina was unable to hold onto a foul tip for the k. Joba promptly walks Stewart.

Leiter says he is caught up in the “excitement and energy of the stadium”. Somehow, I don’t believe him.

I’ll give credit where credit is due. Leiter makes 2 great points about the different mindset for a starter as opposed to a reliever and about the Jays taking pitches because of the publicized pitch count. He then yawns and keels over. Kay rushes to give him mouth to mouth.

 Is there any more useless invention than the pitch by pitch sequence? Can’t the analyst tell us the pattern as it happens instead of going through replays of things we just saw?

Runner on second and Molina allows a passed ball. When’s Posada getting back?

“Not exactly a scalding rally,” Kay sneers as the Jays score a run on a walk, a balk, a passed ball, and a ground out.  When three bases are given on Yankee mistakes you don’t have to scald the ball, Mike.

Kay pulls out a Mike Francesa staple by saying, “Some people think…” which translates to, “People who know less than me mistakenly say…”

1^st inning by the numbers: 1 run, 1 error, 1 balk, 3 walks, 1 visit from Dave Eiland, 9 mentions of pitch counts (at pitch #s 8, 13, 20, 23, 25, 28, 33, 27, 38), and 2 uses of the word geeked.

Bottom of the 1^st

Roy Halladay’s scouting report included “went to the mat” because he threw hundreds of pitches into a mattress in his basement. Leiter claims that Halladay credits much of his success to that.

Really?

Damon triples to lead off of the first. The Yankees had a ton of trouble driving in runs from 3^rd base with less than two outs in Minnesota. Can they improve on that by hitting a game tying grounder or fly ball?

After Jeter and Abreu almost make my head explode by making unproductive outs, A-Rod gets hit by a pitch and Matsui singles in a run. Giambi finally goes against the shift and drives in A-Rod for a 2 – 1 lead.

Who has a thicker mustache: Rudy from The Cosby Show or Jason Giambi?

And the inning ends with – surprise – Robinson Cano swinging at the first pitch and grounding out.

Top of the 2^nd

I miss Guiseppe Franco. What happened to his commercials? And is Gary Busey his biggest celebrity customer?

Leiter is back into form as he stumbles over his words, combines clichés, and confuses the viewers. Maybe, just maybe, if he was the only analyst on YES and got to work more than three games at a time, he would develop style and comfort in the booth. And then maybe Kay would find chemistry with a partner and not turn the game into an extended episode of Centerstage as he interviews his boothmates.  Whether it’s Flaherty, Singleton, Cone, Leiter, or Murcer, there is not one shred of informative information given on a consistent basis by anyone in that booth.

1-2-3 inning, 54 pitches, and a couple of veiled shots at home plate umpire Ed Hickox for squeezing Joba. Hank has already called the commissioner.

Bottom of the 2^nd

Joba’s dad, Harlan is being interviewed by Kim Jones. Does Harlan have an agent yet? He gets more screen time than Bob Lorenz.

My dad is in love with Kim Jones. I don’t see it. All female sports personalities get a +2 in your mind because they share the screen with male athletes. The same goes for female athletes. Jenny Finch is not good looking. As professional softball players go, she’s the cream of the crop, but is that really an accomplishment?

Top of the 3^rd

Hank Steinbrenner pulls marionette Michael Kay’s strings and makes him explain why Joba is best suited as a starter.

Abreu makes a catch against the wall! Alert the authorities!

Girardi comes out to get Joba after he walks Alex Rios. He receives a standing ovation after throwing 62 pitches in 2 1/3 innings. Can the fans cut this standing O nonsense out? I was there when they gave one to Sidney Ponson in his first start as a Yankee. He finished the year 0-1 with a 10.37 ERA.

The first pitch by journeyman (i.e. retread) hurler Dan Giese results in a stolen base and a throwing error on Molina. If George was still George, Molina would be released tomorrow for this performance. It wasn’t that long ago that Molina was being called the best Yankee backup catcher since Girardi. That’s like saying someone is the best looking female softball player.

To Kay’s great dismay, the Jays tie it on another infield groundout.  Leiter calls it as it is by saying that the Yankees put the Jays in position to score because the runs scored on shoddy defense.

 Top of the 4^th

In a “tribute” to diminutive shortstop David Eckstein’s success despite small stature, Kay alludes to the fact that Eckstein has no muscles, talent, skill, or testicles, but hey, he has heart! Kay is amazed that Eckstein drew so little interest as a free agent because he has two World Series rings.  Another light hitting shortstop with a couple of big hits in the post season and two rings was Bucky Dent. Maybe the Yanks should retire his number. The Jays had the best month in their history during May, a month where Eckstein missed twenty games. I love scrappy guys (I belong to the Andy Fox Fan Club. Seriously.), but can we ease up on the importance of intangibles. How many games does Eckstein win you in a given year?

Kay and Leiter tell the little ones that they should play baseball even if they are short. Check out this story about a kid playing little league with one leg. I heard Omar Minaya wanted to give him a four year contract because he is less of an injury risk than Luis Castillo.

Bottom of the 6^th

Adam Sandler is at the game! And he’s talking on his cell phone. That annoyed me until I realized that he was probably telling Rob Schneider how he likes his dry cleaning.

Kay just claimed that Eckstein lives under a bridge.

Yankee lookalikes: Shelley Duncan and Sloth from the Goonies.

Top of the 7^th

Girardi takes Giese out even though he has thrown 65 pitches and allowed 1 run. Bring on Jose Veras!

Single, single, K.

Enter Edwar Ramirez.

Walk, walk, double, IBB.

I know what you’re thinking…Joba goes 2 1/3 innings and the bullpen blows up in the 7^th.How can this get any worse?

Hey, LaTroy Hawkins is pitching!

Double, walk, sac fly, ground out. Inning over.

Instead of changing his number again, maybe LaTroy Hawkins should change his first name to LaAndy so Stump Merrill will send him flowers.

You know who this bullpen needs? Mark Eichhorn. I always liked him. He had a 14 year career with a 3.00 ERA. Or maybe they could have just signed Ron Mahay or Scott Linebrink. You know, an accomplished bullpen member who can put out fires like this when you need to. The Yankee bullpen and bench were severely neglected when this team was put together. I’m tired of seeing Wilson Betemit step on the field. I’m tired of the constant influx of AAAA players in the bullpen.
Bottom of the 7^th

It must cost $1.25 to buy ad time on Yes. Although, I did just order 4 “Shamwows”.

Kay says that if the Joba starting experiment fails he can go back to being a reliever. Putting him back in the pen because he failed as a starter would be a colossal hit to his ego and would force the Yanks to admit they blew it on this one. Leiter mentions Jonathan Papelbon did just that but he neglects to say that Pap never started a game in the regular season and that the experiment ended in the spring.

This game is taking so long, if Scooter were still calling games, he would have been on the bridge an hour ago.

At this point I joined Leiter in a power nap and missed a few innings. The final score is 9-3, with the Blue Jays putting a severe damper on Joba’s starting debut. Kay and Leiter assure us that Joba will be better next time out. Maybe he’ll go four innings and hand the ball off to Mark Eichhorn.

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