By Bill Campione
This past weekend, Newsday’s Neil Best reported that the groundbreaking sportstalk radio duo of Mike and the Mad Dog (Mike Francesa and Chris Russo, or Fatso and Fruit Loops, as they were dubbed by Don Imus) could be ending their 19 year on air relationship as soon as Labor Day. Channeling Harry Doyle would hate to see this happen, but if it does, we have prognosticated what the future would be like without these two on WFAN anymore.
Sweeny Murti will not serve jail time for strangling both hosts, as they interrupt him for the umpteenth time.
Ed Coleman will be forced to be a real journalist, actually reporting what he sees and hears.
The ass groove in Mike’s chair will be turned into a swimming pool for underprivileged children.
The spittle encrusted microphone used by Russo will be preserved, much like Lenin’s corpse in the Soviet Union, in the lobby of WFAN’s Astoria, Queens studios.
The famous Francesa hand wave will take on a life of its own in everyday conversation, much like “Forget about it” in Donnie Brasco. Possible meanings for the hand wave:
- Get the hell outta here
- I’m done with you
- You don’t know anything
- Get rid of that broccoli
- Don’t insult my intelligence
John Minko will be treated with respect.
Michael Kay still won’t have an audience.
Dog’s tennis game will improve dramatically.
Mike will finally take his rightful place as president of the Bill Parcells Fan Club.
Companies that will go out of business: Major World Auto, Vermont Teddy Bear, and Pajama Gram.
Party at Brian Cashman’s house. Guests of honor will include: Willie Randolph, Michael Strahan, Pacman Jones, Kyle Farnsworth, Al Leiter, Joe Benigno, Phil Mushnik, and Suzyn Waldman.
Russo will be seen wandering the streets of New Canaan every January, muttering “I was the Marquis” and asking random strangers inane Super Bowl trivia questions like “In what city did the last left footed kicker make a field goal over 37 yards from the left hash mark? (”That’s a fair question! I asked it at 2:57 last Monday!”)
Tony from Santa Fe will never be heard from again.
There will still be no hockey talk on the FAN.
Mike’s young children will never say their first words because whenever they begin daddy will cut them off to give his own opinion.
The last two people on earth who care what Tim McCarver thinks will no longer have a platform for him to speak.
The irony of Mike nicknaming Chris Carlin “Continent” will finally not be lost on him.
Jon Heyman will follow Mike around as he grocery shops and agree with everything he buys.
Chris Russo will be secretly filmed as he freestyle raps at the New Canaan County Club, “Hey, Mike, tell me how my ass tastes.”
When two men are said to be “going at it as hard as they can” it will again mean what you think it should.
(Special thanks to mikefrancesa.com, who provided a wealth of info, knowledge, and love for the boys.)
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7 responses so far ↓
1 Gary Armida // Jun 26, 2008 at 5:28 am
Well done Camp! Well, except for dissing my boy, Michael Kay. Just kidding well done. As you know, I wouldn’t be sad if these guys went away as it’s been years since they’ve prepared for a show.
If they ever do leave the Fan, the scream of utter joy from Sweeny Murti will be heard throughout the land.
2 MAC // Jun 26, 2008 at 10:19 am
Excellent article Bill. I really enjoyed your last one also, the one with the Mets. I always love to hear Yankee fans talk about the Mets…I guess that is why I don’t listen to Mike and the Mad Dog…lol. I was amused by your last two articles, honestly, so thanks for the laugh and keep them coming!
As far as I’m concerned, Mike, Mad Dog and Michael Kay could all retire tomorrow and no one would really care except for Jerome and Doris (RIP)
3 Bill Campione Sr. // Jun 26, 2008 at 11:23 am
I know this will sound like nepotism,but if there is anybody out there who would like to sire a GREAT comedy writer, my sperm will be available on E-Bay tomorrow.
4 Pete // Jun 26, 2008 at 12:23 pm
>> Companies that will go out of business: Major World Auto, Vermont Teddy Bear, and Pajama Gram. >>
Don’t forget the Owens Corning Basement Finishing System.
Meh, no big loss – I couldn’t STAND the TV ratings and the Springsteen talk anyway. They were both immensely more tolerable on their own anyway. Russo on Saturday mornings, untethered to freely speak his diseased mind, is always entertaining.
5 Kimberly Jones // Jun 26, 2008 at 2:35 pm
>>I know this will sound like nepotism,but if there is anybody out there who would like to sire a GREAT comedy writer, my sperm will be available on E-Bay tomorrow.>>
I’m interested Mr. Camp Sr. !
6 joe // Jun 27, 2008 at 12:55 am
left footed kicker question…is it david akers…do I win? Do I get to go?
7 Delano // Jun 27, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Am i the only one that actually likes listening to those two even though they annoy me often with their wacky ways and incredibly rude interruptions of everybody??? Good article once again William. And for the record….and I may be the only one….I really like Tim McCarver!! “You’re a real man Deion…a real man!”
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