fullcountpitch.com

This week begins the All Star festivities in New York City. The Fan Fest runs from July 11 to July 15, with the Home Run Derby on Monday July 14 and the actual game the next night. I haven’t watched the All-Star Game in years, mostly because it is a boring affair that has lost its luster. When I was a boy, the All-Star Game was a chance to see other players whose exploits were not available to my eager eyes on a daily basis. It was also an opportunity to see my hometown players get a chance to excel in the national spotlight. Since those days of yore, numerous cable channels and the internet have made every single player highly visible, even it is just through brief highlights accompanied by a self important, catchphrase whore on ESPN. To the chagrin of many, the Yankees have also had plenty of time in the national eye. Long gone are the days of screaming at my television, praying that Scott Sanderson would get to pitch in the game and arguing the merits of who should be on the roster.

For these reasons and many others the All-Star game has become unworthy of my attention. Baseball is a beautiful game of strategy and skill, but when a single game is advertised as being special and exciting, it puts undo pressure to come through with an entertaining, action packed game. That is simply not baseball’s strong point. The NBA and NHL All Star Games boast copious amounts of offense and incredible in game dunking and excitement. The NFL Pro-Bowl may be the least watched sporting event on TV (I am not including any WNBA game) because they have already closed the book on the NFL playing season and are anxiously awaiting the draft. Baseball Mid Summer Classic should not be in the same class as the Pro Bowl.

The Powers That Be in MLB have decided that making the game “count” will solve many of the ills that plague the game, but still, I am lulled to sleep by Joe Buck recounting stories of the Major League season because they have all been heard before. I can’t imagine a casual baseball fan tuning into this game because, even though the players are the best that are around, there is rarely anything you can’t see by watching a regular game.

I have put together a four step plan to make the game more interesting, keep viewers tuned in, and bring some excitement back to the game.

1)      Add players to the roster

The last thing I want is a “LaRussa-ing” of the game, with managers making pitching changes every batter to ensure better match ups, but deserving players should get the thrill of being selected and managers should be able to leave pitchers on the bench in case of extra innings (as in the inexcusable situation in 2002).

2)      Eliminate fan voting

Enough of the politicking by teams to get their fans to vote. Enough of the All-Star embarrassments that always sneak their way onto the team because of name recognition. If it counts, as Bud Selig wants us to believe, then the best players playing right now should represent their league. Having the players fill the roster by voting on the most worthy is the only way to get this right.

EDIT: Since I wrote this, the players in their infinite wisdom chose .220 hitter Jason Varitek as a reserve. Mabye the fans aren’t so stupid.

3)      First pitch at 7:30 ET

I am fully aware of the ever-present east coast bias, and I appreciate it very much, but by starting games at 9 PM (Hello, NBA) and forcing east coasters to stay up until midnight you are losing a large part of your audience. Which is worse: Missing the first two innings while you commute home from work or missing the last four because you can’t keep your eyes open?

4)      Have some fun

Since this game impacts the World Series, MLB can’t make this too crazy, but if the game is going to last four hours anyway, let’s keep people tuned in between innings. Fox has FX to carry any events and activities between commercials. Below are Channeling Harry Doyle’s ideas for All Star fun next year.

Middle of the First: 

Wrestling with Shawn Chacon - Two minutes in the ring with baseball’s undisputed champion! Prerequisite: Opponent must be over the age of 50 and wear glasses. The winner takes on Manny Ramirez in a cage match!

Middle of the Second:

Make Milton Bradley Laugh - Fans line up and take their shot making the All-Star outfielder crack a smile. No one has won this event in ten years.

Middle of the Third:

Steroid Home Run Derby - Young fans are given a cycle of anabolic steroids in the weeks leading up to the game and are trained in the gym by Jose Canseco. They each get three swings to hit the ball out of the yard.

Middle of the Fourth:

Give Josh Hamilton a Urine Test - One lucky fan gets to handle a cup of the Triple Crown contender’s urine and watch as it is tested for various illegal drugs. (By the way, does anyone else think that if Hamilton were black, his “turnaround” would have been handled a bit differently by the media?)

Middle of the Fifth:

Guess Miguel Tejada’s Age - Fans line up and guess the player’s actual date of birth! Sponsored by ESPN.

Middle of the Sixth:

Colostomy Bags and You - An educational piece about how to properly use medical equipment, hosted by the entire New York Mets team.

Middle of the Seventh:

Rants, Raves, and Diatribes with Ozzie Guillen - Youngsters recreate some of Ozzie’s best curse filled tirades on the Jumbotron!

Middle of the Eighth:

All Star Karaoke - A band of All-Star caliber contracts gather to sing Dire Straits’ hit, Money for Nothing. Band mates include Richie Sexson, Barry Zito, Mike Hampton, and Andruw Jones

Middle of the Ninth:

How Many Beers did Sidney Ponson Drink? - At the beginning of the game, all fans in attendance will guess how many beers Ponson will consume through the nine innings (not counting any he drank before the game started). The fan that comes closest drives Sidney home!

Throughout the Game:

“Very Punny”, with Chris Berman - The longtime ESPN anchor will give a funny, clever, and humo…ok, outdated and not even remotely funny nickname to every paying customer, assuming he is not beaten to death before he makes it past the first base box seats. Here’s a sample for those who might not make it to the game:

Gary “Spanish” Armida
I’ll have a Patrick Martin “Shaken, not stirred”
Bill “Old Macdonald had a farm” Campi, Campi - one
Stuart “Great” Scott how does he still have a job?
John “I am not a ” Kruk, nor am I a talented analyst
Joe “You are the worst announcer ever and I can’t stand the sound of your voice any-”Morgan
Woop! (NSFW - language)
Back, back, back, back, back, back!
He could go all the…ahhhh, whatever.