Channeling Harry Doyle: Field of Dolts

By Bill Campione

Last week a youth baseball league in New Haven, Connecticut has banned a nine year old from pitching because he is too good. A lawyer for the league said facing that kind of speed is frightening for beginning players. When Jericho Scott attempted to take the mound after the decision was handed down, the opposing team forfeited and left the field.

I think it’s obvious to most that view sports as a metaphor for life and see the lessons that can be taught from competition that this is absurd. Telling the rest of the players in the league that when someone is good at something, and more importantly, better than you, they should be removed from the equation completely can have far reaching consequences. Parents cannot control every variable in their child’s life, sporting or otherwise. This youth league has unfortunately taken things a step further.

The following is a list of rule changes suggested in this league in addition to Jericho Scott not being able to pitch:

The names of the bases will change. Every base is now called home so the children will feel comfortable and safe at every base.

Violent terms like broken bat, hot corner, and sacrifice will be renamed unusable, but worthy piece of maple, busy 90 degree angle, and giving yourself unto others like Jesus did for you.

There will be no more force outs. No one should be forced to do anything against their will.

Any pitcher who hits a batter will be executed on the mound immediately.

Any play in the field that requires maximum effort or talent is disallowed. Diving, sliding, and jumping for balls will result in the batter receiving an automatic single and a homoerotic foot massage after the game.

Every runner must run until he is tagged out. If you reach home without being tagged by a fielder you must begin again by running to first home base.

Umpires will be replaced by social workers who will counsel children who make an out.

Team names can no longer have any threatening connotations. Banned names include Tigers, Lions, Thunder, Lightening, Fire, Sharks, and Bears. Suggested replacements include Gumdrops, Unicorns, Hairdressers, Gerbils, Swimmies, or Pink Ladies.

Not content to ruin baseball for young kids, the parents in this league have gone a step further in controlling the outcomes of their children’s lives outside of the diamond:

The chemical makeup of broccoli will be altered to make the healthy veggie more appetizing.

High school and college age girls will be trained to be more slutty because it’s so difficult getting laid when you’re an awkward, unathletic sissy.

The SATs will now be scored like a golf match; the lower you score, the better you will do. Eventually, community colleges will replace the Ivy League as the preeminent institutions of learning.

Voters will elect poor students with checkered pasts and little knowledge of the world to be their presid…oh, wait.

History textbooks will be changed to erase the winners of wars. Sketch artists will recreate Emperor Hirohito and President Truman playing Rock, Paper, Scissors to end the fighting in the Pacific during World War II.

If you have the time and/or interest, check out this short story by Kurt Vonnegut. It shows an egalitarian society that handicaps those who are skilled and talented. It’s science fiction, but it shows the folly of penalizing those who have something special to offer that others cannot.

Maybe this should have been the summer reading assignment for the parents of New Haven.

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