fullcountpitch.com

By Bill Campione

Baseball players have long been overlooked as spokesmen for products on television. One Chunky Soup commercial has more football players (and their moms) in it than a season’s worth of ads featuring MLB players. This upsets us here at FCP as we are dedicated not only to the analysis of the games, but the embarrassing money grab of filming a poorly written, poorly produced, and horrendously acted commercial.

As a tribute to the great athletes from the diamond I have compiled a list of famous ads that have aired at one time or another that put the spotlight on great players, past and present. Whenever possible I have included video to accompany the description and if the video proof is not there, then I probably made the whole thing up. Some of the best commercials are only aired locally so feel free to send along any links or descriptions in the Contact Us section of the site for use in a future column.

Product: Just For Men Hair Coloring
Starring: Keith Hernandez
Premise: Keith and Walt “Clyde” Frazier travel the world searching out middle aged men to humiliate for having gray hair in their beard. They make it clear throughout every commercial that gray hair makes you repulsive to the opposite sex and makes you less of a man in the eyes of the world. Hernandez is forced to rhyme when he speaks (”Your beard is weird!”), presumably to complement Frazier’s Dr. Seuss-like verbiage. In the video above, Clyde and Keith rescue Emmitt Smith from a dreary life of seclusion due to a graying beard. No one mentions Smith’s marble mouthed appearances on ESPN and gold lamet sequined pants escapades on Dancing with the Stars as being the reason why he should be shunned by society.

After being traded out of St. Louis for alleged cocaine use, getting into a fight with Daryl Strawberry as they shot the 1989 team photo, and making “I’m Keith Hernandez” a famous line on Seinfeld, is it possible for one man to ruin a legacy of memorably obnoxious and manly behavior with a series of commercials that destroy my will to live? The answer is a resounding yes.

Product: Medical Hair Restoration
Starring: Wade Boggs
Premise: Wade Boggs, who cried as his team blew the 1986 World Series to the Mets and then waited ten more years to win his first title, opens this commercial by saying his celebration in 1996 was tarnished because other players on the team had more hair than he did. This may be the first and only time that Hall of Famer Wade Boggs was envious of Graeme Lloyd. As someone with a full head of hair, hearing this has scared the crap out of me. If a World Series celebration can be stopped in its tracks because you have no hair for champagne to soak, being bald must be the worst thing in the world. Either that or Boggs has become a whore for anyone who will compensate him to hawk their crappy product.

Boggs surely gets more grief from his former teammates for doing this ad than he ever would for being bald. Not since Rafael Palmeiro helped to sell erectile dysfunction pills has any athlete put his reputation on the line more than Boggs has. (By the way, wet noodle syndrome is a side effect of steroid use. Sorry Roger!)

Product: Holiday Inn Express
Starring: Cal Ripken
Premise: This is a genuinely funny commercial. I have nothing sarcastic to say…except that had Ripken won his World Series after 1983 he may have been pitching Medical Hair Restoration instead of Boggs.

Product: Tom Emanski Instructional Videos
Starring: Fred McGriff
Premise: Emasnki made $75 million selling these videos that show you how to throw, catch, hit, and look like a fool while doing it. SEVENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. If you have ever seen these commercials, which run nonstop on ESPN between the hours of one and five AM, you have experienced one or more of the following:

• A test result (academic or medical) that keeps you up the entire night before you get the results
• A wager on a team playing in the Great Alaska Shootout or the Maui Invitational
• A drunken night that culminates in a Quarter Pounder with Cheese resting on your chest as you watch SportsCenter (or the less attractive alternative, a drunken night that culminates in a quarter tonner sitting on your chest as you wonder how your buddy did with her hot friend and resist the urge to vomit on her stomach while plotting how he will repay you for this)

Fred McGriff filmed this commercial in 1991 as a favor to Emanski who helped him with his swing when he was 18. The Crime Dog is as convincing as a hostage speaking to the camera on Al Jazeera when he tells us “This is the instructional video that gets results!”

Product: Nike sneakers
Starring: Mark McGwire, Tom Glavine, and Greg Maddux
Premise: Maddux and Glavine train to become homerun hitters because washed up Heather Locklear thinks power hitters are sexy. This ad has potential to be funny (”Chicks dig the long ball”), but the crappy acting by the pitchers sets it back a notch. Big Mac has no lines in the commercial, but is seen in a billboard that reads, “It really is the shoes.” Unless they were injected into McGwire’s ass, I highly doubt that the shoes had anything to do with it.

Product: The Goodyear Blimp
Starring: Curt Schilling
Premise: Curt calls into WEEI and writes on his blog even when he is on the 1000 day DL. He gives opinions about people and other teams even when no one asks him. He wore a fake bloody sock on national television (just ask Gary Thorne). Who better to represent the second largest hot air receptacle in the free world?

Product: John Kennedy Ford
Starring: Jimmy Rollins
Premise: Rollins has made enough bold predictions about baseball, now he wants to talk car dealerships during a very convincing press conference. How does a Ford dealership, not the Ford Motor Company, but a dealership in freaking Feasterville, PA nab the reigning National League MVP? And how did John Kennedy feel when Rollins called the Philly fans phony and showed up late to a game against the Phils’ division rival Mets? And how do you name a car dealership after an assassinated president, even if it is your name, too? This is why FCP needs a press pass. These would be my first questions in the postgame media session after game 1 of the NLCS. That pansy Peter Gammons would never get to the bottom of this.

Product: Supercuts
Starring: Pete Rose
Tagline: “Come to Supercuts…it could be worse.”

Product: G Unit Reebok Sneaker
Starring: Manny Ramirez
Premise: Sneakers “designed” by rapper 50 Cent are all purpose athletic gear for gang bangers and apathetic outfielders alike. 50 Cent takes a few hacks in stickball and hurts his tough guy image with a swing that rivals Chris Rock from the Celebrity Softball Game. When his turn at bat comes Manny blasts a homer. He later asks for a trade to Nike.

Product: Chicago Chevy Dealers
Starring: Lou Pinella and Ozzie Guillen
Premise: Lou and Ozzie rap.

Words fail me.

Product: State Farm Insurance
Starring: Joe Torre
Premise: 118 year old Joe Torre surfs, does yoga, and gets a sex change while adapting to life in Los Angeles. What does this have to do with insurance? It doesn’t matter. At least he isn’t rapping.

Product: Massengill Disposable Douche with Extra Mild Vinegar and Water
Starring: Hank Steinbrenner
Premise: When Massengill execs needed a spokesperson their list had only one name.

Product: G2 by Gatorade
Starring: Derek Jeter
Premise: People constantly talk to Derek about the game and watch it in “slo-mo, fast-mo, and every kind of mo there is.” Clay Aiken had no comment.