CHD: David Wright Goes Cougar Hunting

By Billy Campione

The New York Post’s Page 6 column had a headline this week that read ‘Hot Corner’. The story that followed was comical:

Mets hottie David Wright is a charitable guy, but at his annual fund-raiser the other night, hewas the one in need of some help. A spy at the Hard Rock Cafe in Times Square for his “Do theWright Thing” event watched in shock as Wright was “mobbed by a swarm of trashy-looking cougars. Middle-age women with bad ’80s hair were practically pushing down little kids who were trying to get baseballs signed.” Wright was overheard pleading, “Ladies, calm down! Please, relax.”

It seems that older women who prey upon younger men at bars have taken a liking to the defensively challenged star. These cougars were apparently from Long Island, as the paper referred to them as ‘trashy’. (By the way, New York Post pot, trashy cougars, kettle, both black) This took place at a fundraiser for Wright’s charity Do the Wright Thing, where he was accepting the award for worst charity name of the year. Last year’s winner was Bill Clinton’s House for Wayward Girls. Anytime your charity name can double as a Chris Berman nickname, something’s wrong. I picture David as the kind of guy who gets all excited when he’s in a club and a song comes on that contains his name. Wright Now, Wright Here Waiting, and I Wright the Songs really get him going. (To answer your question, no, I don’t know of any club that would play those songs, but you can suspend your disbelief for a thousand words.)

This comes as no surprise, as trashy women cling to Mets stars as if they were a pack of Virginia Slims. Mike Piazza received similar treatment from the skanks of New York, and Wright has ably carried his torch. This somewhat recent media obsession with ‘cougars’ is a bit absurd. Older women have been trolling for young men for years, but someone gave them a clever name and now it’s everywhere. Just like with everything else, women take something that is funny and harmless in theory and ruin it completely. It’s like the parable from the Bible about teaching a man to fish: Tell your wife a joke once and she will tell it wrong the rest of her life. The idea of old women trying to get with young guys is funny. Saturday Night Live does a good job with it by pointing out that some of these women are plastic surgery riddled, desperate for attention, clueless fools. But some women hear all about this cougar craze and take it to heart. Next thing you know they’re on line for a David Wright autograph and grabbing his junk as he walks by.

I blame Sex and the City. Something as simple as a slut, a prude, a lesbian, and a talking horse conversing about nonsense for thirty minutes a week and having mostly meaningless sex is somehow empowering to women everywhere. Just because shriveled Kim Cattrall – who should have quit showbiz after Mannequin – can get a male model doesn’t mean that Linda from Massapequa should throw herself at an All Star third baseman.

But I digress. What really bothers me about this story is that it really isn’t a story. The headline “David Wright Attacked by Floozies” is about as newsworthy as “Kerry Wood Opens Can of Beer; Blister Forms on Finger” or “A.J. Burnett and Carl Pavano: Separated at Birth”. We all know it’s happening, do we need to be told about it by a “news” organization? I like stories that come out of the blue. Stories that show people acting out of character or at least taking their flaws to a new level. If Wright had been found in a truck stop bathroom while his iPod played Living on a Prayer and a cougar gave him a blumpkin, I want to read about that on pages 1 – 5, not just Page 6.

I combed the web to find such stories for you and have listed the headlines below.

Youkilis Strikes Out, Kills Bat Boy

NutriSystem Presents New Spokesman Charlie Manuel

Washington Nationals Moving to AAA

Manny Donates his Salary to Mars Rover; Wants to See Home Again

Mr. Met Indicted for Rape of Phillie Phanatic

Dustin Pedroia Wins AL MVP

Ozzie Guillen Completes a Coherent Sentence

Texas Signs a Starting Pitcher

Drowning Boy ‘Saved by Zero’

Frank TV Makes Someone Laugh

Michael Kay Introduced as New Balloon in Thanksgiving Day Parade

Gary Armida: ‘Junior is Finished’

Great Move by Minaya

Flawless Performance by Chip Carey

David Wells Turns Down Buffet

Pete Rose: I Won’t Sign that for Money

Beane: On Base Percentage is for Queers

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