FCP Vault: How Baseball Can Save Your Marriage
Originally published September 18, 2008
We’ve all sat through the meaningless postgame interviews with baseball players, as they drone on with non answers. Immortalized in Bull Durham and seemingly perfected by Derek Jeter, the non-answer is as much a part of our national pastime as bunts, steals, and steroids. As I listen to postgame reporters (not my favorite people in the world) attempt to elicit some sort of coherent, quotable response in the midst of clichés and reworded responses, I try to take something out of the situation. How can I use this to improve my daily life? Take note, because the Handbook on Using Postgame Baseball Clichés is here! Use it with your wife or girlfriend! Practice on your mom! I will present you with the complaint by the woman in your life and match it with the appropriate clichéd retort.
Situation #1: Your wife cringes as you exit the bathroom and leave a foul stench behind.
“I didn’t have my best stuff in there, but I battled. With a little work I think I’ll be able to put up the kind of performance that everyone expects of me next time. I just wanted to go in there as long and as hard as I could, but I just ran out of gas at the end.”
Situation #2: You have left the bagged and tied garbage sitting near the front door for two whole nights and you’ve missed today’s garbage pick-up.
“Some days things don’t go your way, but you just show up next time and give it your all. This isn’t how we envisioned things going tonight, but it’s not the end of the world. There’s another chance to get back tomorrow.”
Situation #3: You have a very important function to attend and your wife asks the question, “Which dress looks better?” as she holds up two seemingly identical black dresses.
“On paper this matchup is too close to call. The dress you’re wearing has momentum since it’s already on and we are forty minutes late. Momentum can push you over the top when your back is to the wall and you’re running out of options.”
Situation #4: As you are checking your fantasy team for fourteenth time this hour, your wife explains why the girl who sits next to her at work is the spawn of Satan.
“It’s never easy to gel with new member of the team, but it takes a united front to make it work. No one person can make the team successful, so you are going to need a different hero every day. With a couple of breaks you may find yourself sitting on top when the curtain comes down.”
Situation #5: You are cut off on the highway by a tattooed Hell’s Angel on a Harley. Your wife looks to you for some kind of manly response, but you’re more concerned with listening to the next pitch on the radio.
“You gotta give the guy some credit. I gave him an opening and he did what he’s supposed to do. I wish I could take it back, but that’s what I gave him and he made me pay for it.”
Situation #6: Rumors have floated back to your wife that your job may be in jeopardy.
“I can’t comment on rumors. I’m here to do a job and I just need to worry about myself and my performance. I can’t worry about anything out of my control.”
Situation #7: In a tender moment, your wife asks if you think that you’ll be together forever.
“It’s not my job to make predictions. On paper I think we’re as good as anyone else. If we can stay focused, I think we have as good a chance as anyone, but we’ve got to take it one day at a time.”
Situation #8: After an especially quick night of intimacy your wife complains of dissatisfaction.
“I know you’re only as good as your last appearance and I just didn’t come through tonight. No excuses. It was just a poor performance on a night when we needed me to come through in the clutch. I’ll be back tomorrow, ready to go with a fresh start.”
Situation #9: Your constant game watching, fantasy playing, and gambling has finally led your lady to dismiss you from her life.
“It’s just the nature of the business. It’s never easy leaving, but when someone let’s you go that just means there is someone else out there who wants you.”
Comments
By Gary Armida on September 18th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Excellent stuff. Number 7 is laugh out loud funny stuff.
By Bill Campione Sr. on September 18th, 2008 at 11:20 am
I experinced the first eight and never got to nine . Guess I was lucky I married a baseball fan.
By Chris on September 18th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
I think I am going to print and frame these and put them where everyone can see them. I personally thought #1 was the best.
By John Lowey on September 28th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Wow !! A brilliant blend of real life answers and real life situations. These thoughts have improved my life already for the next time I am sent to the showers I’ll think of your writings and I’ll be smiling again.